Myself Again

 Finally tonight, I feel like myself again, after days of feeling depressed and anxious. After all these years of having this illness, funny that I don't know myself better. It was a personal criticism that did it. Someone pointed out one of my shortcomings. I thought it was insecurity at first, the weakness of being emotionally needy. But then I began to see it as just part of a pattern I learned long ago, perhaps part of the problem of learned helplessness. Then today Gai asked everyone what they did for fun. I realized that I see fun as just more stress. I don't have fun, because it takes too much out of me, I need the opposite of fun before I can have fun. I need stillness first. Lots of stillness, and silence too. I need it until I am myself again.

But then, tonight, we listened to Dr. Neufeld talk about attachment and I thought about how I resist hugs and physical expressions of affection. I thought about my parents and how I resisted their attempts to appreciate me and show me attention. What is that about? My own son pushes us away and then says he doesn't feel welcome. Is it just that we are so different, or have I passed something on to him, unintentionally, by focusing on contrived power, rather than the power of genuine attachment?

And I didn't really resolve anything, didn't receive any energy to change anything, just suddenly became reflective while feeding the cat. There I was again, the real me, in housecoat and slippers. So I decided to tinker with my vision and purpose some more. So here is the latest:

My Vision

I am awake beyond fear, beautifully clear, and moved to contentment in the stream of existence.

My Purpose

My purpose is to notice what is important, appreciate what is beautiful, and relax in the flow of God as I write and work for a better world.